You’re Not Pursuing Me If… – 5 Hints to the Man Who Wants to Pursue

I’ve started to get a little frustrated with how some of my Christian brothers approach women…especially within the “Black Church.” It sometimes seems as if we’re in two different worlds. A lot of them are “good guys” when it comes to the bar that society has set. But, honaay! When it comes to godliness and approaching a sister in Christ with honor and respect???!!! A lot of them are duds. I love them, but it’s true.

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So, I saw the above post earlier this morning and decided to write a blog that may help my brothers out… and would allow me to really just kinda vent, lol (in no particular order). Because, just to be clear, #YoureNotPursuingMeIf….


1 …you tell coarse jokes

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Seriously, this is getting old for me. I want to talk about God. I want to talk about ministry, sports, music, something…anything other than foolish talk. There are ways to have a good time without dishonoring God. Honestly, even if you’re respectful in meph4-29y face, but I end up finding out that you talk another way with your boys, then I’m done.

We’re not in middle school anymore. Yes, women have curves…I even have some. But guess what?! We’re believers. We know that life is about more than our flesh and what we see. We live by faith. We also know that people are dying before getting to know who Christ is. So, let’s act like that matters sometimes and talk about things that would sharpen us as soldiers in the this most epic war that we’re in.


2… #YoureNotPursuingMeIf…you don’t study your Word.

UmmmScreen Shot 2015-08-12 at 9.56.57 AM yeah…if you want me to take you seriously as a potential husband, then I absolutely can’t if you don’t know scripture. How would you take the lead in a courtship if you don’t know what God says about relationships and purity? How are you going to set a vision for a family if you don’t look for God daily?! I mean, you don’t have to be a John Piper or Spurgeon, but you should know and govern your life by the Gospel. (Oh, and the Gospel isn’t Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.)

But seriously…challenge me according to scripture. Call me out with brotherly love when I’m out of pocket.


3… #YoureNotPursuingMeIf…you don’t express clear intentions, but you want my time. My time is valuable because God says I am valuable. You’re not going to be all in my face or texting and calling me all of the time, expecting me to be available for you to “figure out how you feel.”

Talk to God about me more than you talk to me about me. Observe how I am with others. Ask around. Go through my Facebook and IG or something…but don’t…DON’T waste my time trying to “test drive” our compatibility. Yes, we can be friends and talk/text a few times a week maybe. I may even be cool with hanging out as friends or skyping or something sometimes. However, any regular and abundant communication is reserved for the man who has sought the face of God about our friendship and who wants to honor God in our dealings with one another. Oh, and of course, I have to be interested in him romantically ;-).


4 #YoureNotPursuingMeIf…you’re looking for shallow attributes in a mate.

13652025742edc1“Charm is deceitful and beauty is fading, but a woman who loves the Lord shall be praised.”

A man with depth excites me. Show me that you have long-term vision by looking for things in a mate that God looks for. Compliment me on something you’ve seen in my character and you’ve done a lot more than liking 30 IG pics or telling me that I’m beautiful (although
I do want to feel like I’m pretty to my man too). This lets me know that you’re trying to build a legacy and not a trophy wife. It lets me know that should I choose to move forward with you, I have a meaningful place and role in where God is taking you.

There are a lot of pretty faces. I want to be the pretty face attached to the heart, mind, and character of the woman who can be a godly helpmate.


5… #YoureNotPursuingMeIf…you’re lazy.

I can go on and on abou4802000_origt this. This is one of the MOST unattractive things about a man to me. In fact, when I find myself interested in a man I make it a point to sit back and observe him in various situations. If you’re the type of man to watch someone set up or break down an area…not interested. You don’t have to be the most educated or have the best job, but use what you have. Be busy. Have a life. Know how to do something with your hands. Be a servant. I challenge myself to be the same way, and
I don’t want to tie myself to a man that I can out work.


Anyway, hope you had fun with this one…love y’all.


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  • Wow.
  • I too was that "good" girl and based my righteousness on my actions. When I did commit one of those sins you listed (as if I wasn't already sinning with my pride in myself) I went into deep depression because I placed so much weight on being "good." When I realized (like you) that He is good and my righteousness (actions) are like filthy rags it gave me a new freedom. I was a slave to my misguided perceptions and my so called perfection. Christ offered me a freedom based on who He was and not what I did or did not do. He loved me in spite of me. That for me was freeing. Thank you for sharing this post. Now I see that I wasn't the only misguided'm sure there are many more of us. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
  • I am in tears after reading this! This spoke to me! I can relate! Just a while ago my selfishness rose her head and placed pressure on an old friend to be my superhero. God is the only superhero! He is near ready to comfort! Lord you have spoken! May God Bless this ministry!
  • This is a much needed topic in the church today. I dont know whats worse these church floks that fill your head with lies or that christian mingle commercial?
  • Very wise words, son. Hopefully, they are listening with spiritual ears and a heart to obey.